Post christmas 2009

After 3 consecutive christmas parties, gluttonous pattern of eating, hustles and bustles of family and friends simultaneously exchanging at least 3 different conversations over the dinner table and ofcourse the gifts, the glorious gifts - never failing to bring that childhood christmas tingles to my heart,

After all those goodies, the carols, the cards, the santas, which have been creating the hype for a couple of months in advance of Christmas, I must say

I am exhausted....

To top it all off, they kindly put the boxing day sale straight after Christmas that even tempted me to set my alarm early in a hope of finding 60% discounted treasure amongst the piles of well,,,I guess stocks as well as people. Seeing people lining up at the cashier, strategically training their children to bring the right size to the changing room while the mummy tries on her bra, or letting your husband line up early so you dont have to wait the dredging lines, angry and rude people fighting over the last pair of $15 shoes like pigeons flocking over a piece of chips on the ground, it comes as a no surprise that my dear Lord Jesus is surely well forgotten in this "Christmas Spirit". I must say it was quite gross and I hate the fact that I am part of it all - this sickening consumerism.

Even I felt distracted during the church service tonight as I could barely sing the songs with my sunk voice from too much wine the night before. 

However apart from the physical tireness, I cant help but to be so annoyed by this emotional hollowness. I didnt know why I was feeling this, until I had to sit down and pay attention to my heart for a while. 

"Ok, u whiny heart, what is it this time?" 

"I feel extremely lonely and I hate myself" it replied.

"no, not that drama again, We've been through this already!" I yelled at it.

But, after giving some thoughts, I knew why. 

The last month - how it all wind down my year, it went too fast and I just had to just get on with it, you know.

You don't know? 

Well, to give a little hint, I have been showing zero tolerance to some of the rusty relationship with my family. I have been just pure too busy and it was christmas so I didnt want to ruin it. I just ignored it all.  I ended up yelling at my parents on christmas day-when it was like first time talking in few weeks. I was so unbearably angry at my sister and have blamed her for all the bad things. I victimized myself. It hurt too much so I just had to turn my back on it.

I have been "not-called" by this boy who pretty much ruined my last half year. Ok. fine. He didnt ruin it. There were things I learnt from it but thats if I really try hard to see it from a positive light here. I am so angry and I want to just confront him and point out all the things he did wrong until he acknowledges that he is a jerk and apologizes on his knees!!!!

The most annoying thing is no matter how much I am fully convinced that he is a loser and that he is not the right one for me, it still bloody hurts. I must have got attached to that little shitty tiny miny affection he had showed me. 

Being in the midst of friends and their lovy-duvys, catching up with old friends who I havent met for years and seeing them with a fleshingly stunning and normal looking partner and being asked the question "so I remember when you were at uni, you werent in a relationship, are you still single?" and somehow finding myself panicking answering, coming up with the fine justifiable, good enough reason while delivering that "cool and collected-I so dont care" aura, I mean you wonder why I am exhausted? hello? 

I mean its all good. These things dont usually get to me..

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.

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...

until sitting alone in a back row of an empty church service feeling mountainous guilt from tiredness and hangover, you look around the room, you look back to your year and ask yourself 

"Who is this that I have become?"

"Am I that unlovable?"

"Am I that intolerant to love anyone?" 

Tomorrow, when I wake up I know I going to put on my painfully strong headed logical hat and tell myself, "get yourself together" and I know I will listen to the almighty voice of logic.

I guess Im just feeling a bit rushed to face the new year. I wanted to be in a place of complacency, of vision, of clarity, of faith. You know the deal. I wanted to have directions and start writing my resolutions on my new diary like I always do every year. But I am just not ready to do that yet and I only got 5 days left of 2009.

Damn it.

However, for now, at least for tonight, heres to you.

I will mourn. Yes, that's right. I have been celebrating and now I will mourn also. 

To my fabulously failing relationships, my little broken heart, with my loneliness friend on my right and self pitty friend on my left - heres is your melo emo party.

Heres is to my baggages. I wish to leave you guys right here once and for all.

Sorry but you aint ganna travel with me to the next years.

Heres to my heroic will-power

Heres to my disgusting self-centeredness,

I salute you.

U shall rest in peace.