Just keep swimming

MARLIN
You dropped it! That was
my only chance of finding my son,
now it's gone.



DORY
Hey, Mr. Grumpy Gills.
When life gets you down, you know what you gotta do?



MARLIN
I don't wanna know what
you gotta do when life gets you down.



DORY
[singing] Just keep swimming. 
Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. 
What do we do?
We swim, swim.

======================
 
MARLIN
No! No more whale! 
You can't speak whale!


DORY
Yes, I can!


MARLIN
No, you can't! 
You think you could do these things but you can't, Nemo!

 
DORY
Okay.


MARLIN
Dory!


DORY
He says it's time to let go! 
Everything's gonna be all right!


MARLIN
How do you know!?
 How do you know something bad isn't gonna happen!?
 

DORY
I don't!

***

you who seek God. Live a Happy Life!

Im sick again. boohoo.
Currently my church is doing a series on Hope. And last week, our cell group, (where some of us have gone through some rough patches last few months) was honestly sharing some struggles of coming to the grips of "joy that spurs through tribulation."-whatever that means. The series on Hope was tougher than I thought. and it was tough for many people. Because while at the same tolken we were learning about Hope, it has also made us come to terms with Hopelessness, things we dont, or can no longer have hopes in. 


hopelessness in pregnancy,
hopelessness in marriage,
hopelessness of death and loss 
hopelessness of loneliness.


I cannot sugarcoat it. Theres a lot of pain to that, a lot of tears, a lot of anguish that you would trade it without a doubt, in a heartbeat. I have to admit that I walked out of that meeting scratching my head. what does it look like exactly? 

Last few weeks, ever since my move, I'v been in a numb state where I couldnt write, couln't think, couldn't even worry or plan as I normally do. I was just N.U.M.B. I couldnt feel anything.

Coupled with that, I lost my journal for 2011. Could the reason be that I couldnt journal?.. 

probably not. im just scraping the barrel for some excuses. Nonetheless, it had all the verses for the year on that notebook. Please come back to me!!!! 

Anyway, today Michael made me cry. 
I didnt expect him to be back so early but there he was. After the surgery, he had lost even more weight. He had been under rigorous pain management. He had to have patches of morphine on his body everyday, and all sorts of acute painkillers that were making him vomit continuously. He was vomitting even to the last minute before his anesthetic. His dad, who'se just been diagnosed terminal cancer had only paid a surprised visit to his son a few weeks ago just before surgery. But, oh, his eyes were even more sharper, his smile even more brighter. 


"Lois, God is good. God is so good. And that is not a feeling or an experience. It's a fact. It doesn't change whether you acknowledge it or not. God is good to you" He said.


I dont know why. I started to well up.
was I embarrassed? ashamed? envious? sorry?..


"What I have in God, What he has given me is so much. When I remember the days when I was without God in darkness, and now, when I remember what I have been given in my life and beyond, in eternity; A few setbacks here and there, a few bumps on the road,,,, the loss I have in my life, this is nothing" 


"I envy you" 
" I wish I could be like you" I said.


"It's really easy. It's not a difficult choice for me. God is already a victor, so I just share in his victory. I make a choice Lois. I get up in the morning and there, I feel pain. I know today is going to be a tough one. But I make a choice. When I open the bible and see his words and I come here and I look at people like yourself, I remember. The challenge is remembering. Remembering God's goodness."


Says a guy who's been sick for a decade. 
who couldnt walk for few weeks, 
who was lying bleeding and throwing up in pain. 
who is losing his father.
who couldnt take his wife on a honeymoon because of his sickness.
who is incredibly talented, who could a shining star in his industry.
Well that one, I guess he already is. 
He was a man who's got the mystery of joy; true, beaming, quiet, undying joy in times of loss, in times of pain and in times of setbacks. 
I was wowed. It was incredible, it was beautiful and it was possible.


"God loves you Lois. Your an apple of his eyes, his precious daughter. A new and better season is to follow in your life and I really pray to that. But hang in there. God is good to you, he really is".


tears rolling. 
I nodded.


To that I had to surrender. I couldnt keep holding up any justification for my numb heart; someone's progress, their achievements, others' gifts, my failing health, unanswered prayers, my loss, my crushed hopes, nothing was good enough. 

"When hope is crushed, the heart is crushed but a wish come true fills you with joy". 

prov 13:12

Stop twiddling your thoughts in crushed hopes. It makes your heart sick, please!
Think about the prize ahead. God is God of hope, God of peace, God of love. You need to know who he is. I want to be a child who is happy while she waits even before his promises eventuate, so that God will be honored and pleased. Because without faith, it is impossible to please God. And its ok to come to God with the expectations of reward as God is a rewarder. 

"Honor his holy name with Hallelujahs (I praise you). You who seek God, Live a happy life!

Look to the Lord and his strength. Seek his face always.

 Remember the world of wonders he has made. 

He's God, our God, in charge of the whole earth. And he remembers, remembers his covenant - for a thoushand generations he's been as good as his word".

psalm 105

So I praised God. I blessed him. For who he is. For what he has given to me. In this life and beyond. I blessed him for renewing my hope. I blessed him for being my hope. I blessed him in the land of abundance. I blessed him for the world is all that it should be. I blessed him on the road marked with suffering. I blessed him for the seasons of life. I blessed him for softening my heart. I blessed him for my tough times and heartaches. I blessed him for my breakup. I blessed him in my loneliness. I blessed him in my weak body. I blessed him for helping me to open myself up to whatever he is making me to be. I blessed him for making me yearn for joy. I blessed him for kneeling me through all that has happened. 


And there, there were more than enough grounds for joy.
You who seek God, live a happy life!