많이 아팠지?

그래 너 참 많이 아팠어.. 수고했어, 잘했어, 넌 참 잘 참아냈어

많이 울었지? 응 그래 너 참 많이 울었다..그래도 넌 참 잘 참아냈어

아무런 소리도 나오지 않을정도로, 심장이 막 저리게 아프다는거,,,

너 진짜 수고했어. 더많이 사랑해줄께. 널 더 자랑스럽게 소중하게 여겨줄께.

미안해...

Rootless tree

And it leans on me like a rootless tree

Modern day curse

Alright, let me have a moment of “Woosah~~”

On my precious Sunday arvo, here at borders cafe, with an ice long black on the table, there there my soul, have a moment of woosah.

So my internet is somehow not working and it is frustrating as hell. Not only can’t I check my emails but I can’t apply for jobs and get all sorts of things done that the almighty internet allows me to do to get my world rolling. 

Ah~

Another week gone like that. Lately I’ve been struggling a lot with work. This whole idea of work, competition, drive. It is funny how a few years ago, my friends and I seemed like we were all on a similar wavelength. We studied similar courses, we did similar things on the weekends and we shared similar struggles in life; rocky relationships, identity crisis, career  search etc and we really felt like friends; “in it together” You know? Like you understand my world and I understand yours and together we will find our way and all that jazz. 

The other day, I was at a friend’s party. There were a bunch of old friends present. We were, as you all do in parties, asking each other the ritual questions about work, relationship, how we are etc. And there, I found myself dreading my turn. I tried to excuse myself and avoid the conversation and I stuck by at the food table. 

I found myself, or us, at crossroads. There, I was feeling like my friends were departing toward their own ways; in values, lifestyles, earning capacities etc. It is only in random parties like that we could come across and maybe share a brief chitty chatter. I felt like this is it. This is how people face their late 20s and onto 30s. This is why people dread it so much and are scared of it because we feel ourselves parting on different ways. And like rays of light, we are set off on separate angles, never crossing again. And there is no more your armies of girlfriends to hold you by. And I was bothered by the fact that my course of life wasn’t as glamorous and meaningful as I always hoped it would be. At least for now. This really bothered me and shook me all around. It revealed how much I was enslaved by what the “world thinks of success”, how I desperately wanted to become someone I don’t even know who it is as long as it looked good and people can look up to me. As hard as it was to face this honest truth, what was worse was that this totally goes against my “defying gravity” pursuit that I always thought I had and it made me look like a total hypocrite and my pride just could not handle this clash. There was a war initiated in my heart. It broke me, pierced me and had totally shaken me up.

This queer sense of dissatisfaction is a poisonous thing. The fear that mediocrity poses upon is too overwhelming. No one knows how to handle it. That’s why we all pretend we actually want what people want. We even lost the ability to ask ourselves these big scary and honest questions. No one is doing it so why bother huh?  “Truth is what people agree on” says the wizard of Oz. Huh,,,,

When I tried to factor God into all this. Phew, I don’t even want to go there yet. The world is becoming increasingly inconvenient place for truth to be believed in or lived out. I am annoyed more and more by the inconvenience of integrity. Integrity to yourself and to others which seems so little when exercised but cost you everything you got. I cannot fathom why this is not talked about in a broad day light more. I mean these are difficult questions. Hello? Why are they hidden under the rug? 

I hated to see myself as a coward. I hated to see myself as a cynical unhappy little prick. But yeah.  I’ll admit it. I was. The worst part was that such grumpy attitude affected the people who surround me and love me. I cannot love them as much when I’m under this curse. This is definitely worse than PMS but unimaginably even more worse when both come together. Ah! Such is the life of a woman. 

Keller says the evidence that money or status has no power over you is that you love the rich and respect the poor whom you were unable to do before. Oh. Keller! Why do you have to say things that are so damn right and make them sound so easy?

The sugar of the week however I did have. As random as it sounds, it was Julia Child. Or maybe the fictitious Julia Child that Julia Powell created in her head. Ok. If you don’t know what the heck I’m talking about, it’s a movie, ‘Julie & Julia’.  Yes. I still get inspired by movies although I always bag out Hollywood and hate how media moulds our mind etc. I’m sorry.

Well anyway. I don’t know this woman, Julia Child at all. And I’m sure there are definitely stuff about her I don’t agree. But when my head was under the mud, she did give me something I can hope for and that was her untainted spirit against the capitalistic drive or success. Her success was differentiated in that it was initiated, motivated and sustained by love and sheer joy. Love for her husband, love for food and there was joy in the process of it all. 

Joy. I mean where do you see joy these days? It was fun for her. The whole thing; the move to France, learning and competing with French male cooks, finding publishers, moving back and forth to different countries, making home again and again in uncertain and foreign environments. I mean with these little annoying scary things in life, she was accompanied by love and joy. And in return, that made her a source of joy and love for her husband, her friends and numerous other women today with no sense of identity or joy. The movie shows juxtaposition of two women in very similar surroundings and choices and it contrasts how differently the two respond. I couldn’t help but to constantly see myself in the modern Julia Powell. I am the girl who cries and throws a bitch feat when something boils over and pushes people away when she is fed up and too self-absorbed. I guess that is more real but definitely less cool. I wished I could be like Julia Child - who is not bothered with the idea of starting something new at an age of 37, who has hideous and contagious laughs, especially when something boils over. She even manages to make a joke out of it. Marvelous! 

As typical as it sounds (and yes we have heard this a thousand times before): I read it in a magazine yesterday while I was getting my hair permed (and it’s probably the only useful thing I got out of my 2 hour reading of 4 womens magazines) “Don’t go by success as the world defines it. Don’t measure yourself to that. Don’t live a life when at your funeral people will know of your death because of fame of your name or accomplishment and then gets forgotten in 2 weeks but live a life where people get to know your name for the things that you did for the world whilst you were alive and gets remembered because of the value you had added to the world.”

Yes. I want to do this, be like this. We all do, don’t we? Well, I don’t know who you are out there, I might probably be talking to myself, or you might actually exist and you might be way older, wiser than me, or you might not. But let me just break the news to you. This kind of life requires some kind of rupture. Rupture in your relationship, rupture in your finances and life choices. And it takes insane amount of courage. It means giving up things that you always wanted and go against your nature. Often you got to make a stand against yourself or against people in the most unseen and devious ways. To top it all off, if you are a christian you are required to love the people involved in the whole process. But don’t despair. There were a lot of our ancestors who’s been through all this and lived this out, which proves that it is technically possible. 

This is the law of motion. And like Sam (my pastor) said last week, sometimes the opposition is yourself. Now this is a hard and complicated one. But looking at the life of Paul, I thought maybe I should keep my mouth shut until my suffering exceeds that of Paul. I know, I know. If I’m sounding absolutely off the universe and not making sense at all, I understand. All I want to say is,,, not that I want to be out of the game or I envy someone who is oblivious to all this. I want to stay in the game but I want my motivation to be that of love and I want to be unwavering. I think that would make things a notch better but let’s face it. This is incredibly hard to come by. 

I have to apply for this position at work next week. I don’t know if I even want it. I sort of do, and I sort of don’t. I feel sorry for our generation where we have to try so hard to get a job that we don’t want and then try so hard again to sustain that job or get another one that you still don’t like. I don’t like answering these questions at a job interview “so why do you want to practice strata law?” and in my head I’m thinking “I don’t. What the hell is strata law” but in my mouth, I’m desperately coming with the most general yet convincing answer that I am in fact very passionate about strata law since I was young. I mean who is? I like the salary raise and the progression in corporate ladder that this position offers but I can’t ignore the fact I am underestimating this job and think of it as menial - I think that I deserve better things. Where is this queer “I deserve better” mentality coming from? It ruins everything. It especially does with my relationship with boys. It’s so prideful. It’s disgusting. 

Maybe, or maybe not. Maybe I’m being overdramatic again. With those unanswered questions, I shall rest for today. 

  

Coins are always double sided

Talk about one drastic flip - can anything be more double sided than a coin? a cassette tape? a woman's heart, relationships?

You can never exhaust something that was shared together with someone on your own. Because you only know the half side of the story right? 

And especially you have a really bad memory right?

How easily I forget.

And you wonder why I am called a snob.

I think you are. You just cannot be bothered to care for some things. 

Now now, don't beat yourself. We don't want to go down that path. 

Its just that there's always two sides.. two hands for them to clap. 

You were just one of that hand - both good and the bad

and he was just that other hand - both good and the bad.

I spent today trying to see things from others' perspective.

When I have tried really hard and let it simmer for a while it did make sense.

So I understand.

Actually, I don't

But I will try. 

Although it doesn't really make a difference anyhow.

ReJection

Rejection

Hurts too much.

There is such a thing in life that you think there is absolutely no need for existence and this is one of them. I have listened to Alicia Keys, Leona Lewis, telling me with their smoothing melodies while on treadmill telling me that ‘it will all get better in time’. I even ran for 30 minute non-stop burning away my  sorrows with my sweats. Ok. Fine. I did apple crumble, chocolates, cookies, instant noodles, enormous amount of carb while soaking on chick flicks too. 2 nights in a row. Or, maybe 3. The end result? Only the sore legs and an extra layer of flab around my waist - the one that I’m grabbing right now as I write just to make it clear how much I loathe thee. 

Thats it. That just calls for an action. I cannot handle this anymore. I feel fat. For what? for being rejected? Do I get to be fat now? Is this some kind of bonus mark or something? Buy one and get one free?.. 

No. No no no. No thank you. I look myself in the mirror and tell myself just how much of a strong and a wise woman I am. Actually I have tried that many times. That didn’t work either. 

What do I do? Should I call him and confront? demand answers?  I just can’t understand why in the world I have become so noxious after like 2 months? 

I have known to be a logical girl but boy, my heart does delay to feel things at a serious level.

The first boyfriend? oh. I really loved him. Due to our dramatic somewhat Korean drama like ending, it intensified my agony and it took me bloody 2 years and beyond just get get over him. Ah. the joy of endless heartaches. again and again and again and again  and again...The saddest thing is I always play this drama queen role when all has died and finished and done and dusted. When the train has left its station long before and all have moved on with their lives. I play the icy cold lady who is unable to feel things while things are actually taking place in present but only when all has ended I feel safe enough to bring out my heart and tender it. Now 4 years after that drama, I am doing the exactly the same thing. I always get this very sudden notice from the heart that maybe, after all, after all that logical convincing and reasons and his faults and wrongs, maybe I did like him after all and those things did not really matter in liking people. 

This, as you can imagine, makes my life rather inconvenient. 

Tomorrow is my last day at work. Thank God. I am moving on to another team. I have new sets of new years resolution ready. I’m reading a new book. I am planning an overseas trip and it saddens me that he does not know and he will not be part of it all. 

How do people do break-ups? I would faint! In fact, how do people do divorce? Somethings are just not designed for people to experience and that is one of them. Definitely. Funny thing is, if someone was to read this and really know what had happened, they might point their fingers at me and tell me it was my fault. Hyun and Ben would definitely tell me I am being over-analytical and over-dramatic. Yes. Yes. To that I give all obeying nods. The thing is this, I know I have 101 reasons not to like him and it was me who did not want to be with him from the beginning anyway but things are not always simple as that. And I know I am fully convinced of my head reasons but I guess I don’t have to pretend like I got it all together and that I’m so cool about it, I’m so strong about. I wish I could and I know I can pretend really well. It is my specialty. But I just wish I didn’t have to, you know? 

This is me, aka the ‘heartbreaker’ talking.(I didnt come up with it myself. Im serious!) I know I have had rejected many people in the past and I didn’t spare any thoughts or emotions on them. I just did not like them and wished they would bugger off. And now, maybe to the tinniest degree, I understand how they must have felt and I feel regret. I wish I would never have to reject someone. I wish I would never have to be rejected.

It just hurt too much you know?