Rejection
Hurts too much.
There is such a thing in life that you think there is absolutely no need for existence and this is one of them. I have listened to Alicia Keys, Leona Lewis, telling me with their smoothing melodies while on treadmill telling me that ‘it will all get better in time’. I even ran for 30 minute non-stop burning away my sorrows with my sweats. Ok. Fine. I did apple crumble, chocolates, cookies, instant noodles, enormous amount of carb while soaking on chick flicks too. 2 nights in a row. Or, maybe 3. The end result? Only the sore legs and an extra layer of flab around my waist - the one that I’m grabbing right now as I write just to make it clear how much I loathe thee.
Thats it. That just calls for an action. I cannot handle this anymore. I feel fat. For what? for being rejected? Do I get to be fat now? Is this some kind of bonus mark or something? Buy one and get one free?..
No. No no no. No thank you. I look myself in the mirror and tell myself just how much of a strong and a wise woman I am. Actually I have tried that many times. That didn’t work either.
What do I do? Should I call him and confront? demand answers? I just can’t understand why in the world I have become so noxious after like 2 months?
I have known to be a logical girl but boy, my heart does delay to feel things at a serious level.
The first boyfriend? oh. I really loved him. Due to our dramatic somewhat Korean drama like ending, it intensified my agony and it took me bloody 2 years and beyond just get get over him. Ah. the joy of endless heartaches. again and again and again and again and again...The saddest thing is I always play this drama queen role when all has died and finished and done and dusted. When the train has left its station long before and all have moved on with their lives. I play the icy cold lady who is unable to feel things while things are actually taking place in present but only when all has ended I feel safe enough to bring out my heart and tender it. Now 4 years after that drama, I am doing the exactly the same thing. I always get this very sudden notice from the heart that maybe, after all, after all that logical convincing and reasons and his faults and wrongs, maybe I did like him after all and those things did not really matter in liking people.
This, as you can imagine, makes my life rather inconvenient.
Tomorrow is my last day at work. Thank God. I am moving on to another team. I have new sets of new years resolution ready. I’m reading a new book. I am planning an overseas trip and it saddens me that he does not know and he will not be part of it all.
How do people do break-ups? I would faint! In fact, how do people do divorce? Somethings are just not designed for people to experience and that is one of them. Definitely. Funny thing is, if someone was to read this and really know what had happened, they might point their fingers at me and tell me it was my fault. Hyun and Ben would definitely tell me I am being over-analytical and over-dramatic. Yes. Yes. To that I give all obeying nods. The thing is this, I know I have 101 reasons not to like him and it was me who did not want to be with him from the beginning anyway but things are not always simple as that. And I know I am fully convinced of my head reasons but I guess I don’t have to pretend like I got it all together and that I’m so cool about it, I’m so strong about. I wish I could and I know I can pretend really well. It is my specialty. But I just wish I didn’t have to, you know?
This is me, aka the ‘heartbreaker’ talking.(I didnt come up with it myself. Im serious!) I know I have had rejected many people in the past and I didn’t spare any thoughts or emotions on them. I just did not like them and wished they would bugger off. And now, maybe to the tinniest degree, I understand how they must have felt and I feel regret. I wish I would never have to reject someone. I wish I would never have to be rejected.
It just hurt too much you know?
