Time to say goodbye to 2009- less than 10 hours left...

Today is 31 December 2009.

The very last day of the year. I did a half day of work and came out as I really could not concentrate. Time was ticking and I wanted to reflect on my year, ready my heart to say goodbye once and for all. Surely now was not the time to do my compliance training on consumer credit. 

So here I am, Im sitting in a cafe with my soy cappucino, feeling like a professional blogger. 

I just read my year's worth of journal and boy there is some emotional shit going on there. 

This time of the year, I wanted to be in a place where I could look back and say "boy this year was so special because of blah blah". (A list of achievements all being very sound and commendable)

so here I go.

 "This year was so special." 

The why part? 

well. I don't know about sound and commendable. But here are some of the reasons.

I did end up carrying out 6 out of 7 of my new years resolutions. I did get started on a career and is not fired up until now so I guess that is pretty successful. I did learn guitar and now I can pretty much play all the songs I want to play and sing like a country singer. (or rather pretend to be)

I did somehow manage my finances, although stingy as a scrooge I did squeeze in weekly social outings, shopping, birthdays etc. These things need to be managed and they are really hard with grad salaries you know? I did read through the bible. I did commit myself to a church and a ministry even though it has not formally started yet. But I did go to cell groups so I think that is good enough. I did read a lot and I think my vocabulary is somewhat improved although Ben would argue otherwise. 

The one thing I have failed to achieve is "getting out of single status". Well, this is out of my control isn't it?  

This year was special because its the first year I started to seriously develop my desire for marriage and begun a pursuit of becoming the Godly woman. I still don't have this all figured out but it is so special to me now; to know that I am called to be feminine, to be beautiful and to be a woman. I mean nowadays I see mums with kids, pregnant ladies and I even have those moments where I stare at them with sheer envy and I have to do that little shaking of my head to wake myself up. 

I guess in the beginning of the year, especially when I just started work, I once again pursued this "extraordinary life" - whatever that was. I frustrated myself with all these obligations that I thought I suppose to have. But I realised I was demanding from myself more than what God demanded. I fell into a mini-depression and disappointment when I realised that I won't get there on my own. I was confused as to how to live in the world; how to be relevant but separate, how to be in the moment yet live for eternality. It clashed with my desire for that perfect "American dream" and my understanding of what I should desire based on the expectations on who I suppose to be. Boy! was I frustrated or what. I thought I had to have it all together; figured out what I wanted to do with my life, what I am good at. But this has not happened to date.

I dated 2 guys this year. 2 very starkly different guys. The first guy; Jeff was charming, successful, smart and non christian. He liked me a lot and tried to change for me namely, to be a christian. The second, well he was christian but with other issues to compensate the balance of "somethings wrong with you, I don't think we can be together" scale. Both a times, I was constantly dissatisfied with both of them. I asked myself "what's with this cursing on me that I am always with the wrong men?" and I found the only common denominator in both relationships was me. It really revealed just how lost I am as to what I want in a guy, what I should be looking for and how I am to behave and handle relationship. I was ..ok, still is a novice. That quite disturbed me-firstly because I don't generally like being a novice, I like to know what I am doing and second it was quite embarrassing to have these realization when you are like hello??...25?!! 

Being analytical often comes with another unwelcomed gift of criticism of which in my case, I often use that scary wand on myself and end up getting burnt. My journal shows me how I constantly self criticized myself calling me a control freak, heartless bitch and a hypocrite. I guess 25 was the year to face this fact that I was not really in love with myself. In fact I hated me so much! This was a new revelation for me and surely came with a shock. I never thought that I hated me yet I always have. No wonder I did not let anyone love me. 

There, I have opened another pandora's box. I dealt with really deep issues of insecurity and jealousy which I have been doing pretty good job and deceiving and hiding. 

I have been fighting a lot this year - to get all these shits to make sense to me, to create some sort of an order and see how I can accept them in little room of my heart.

I fought myself to protect, to deceive, to hurt, to strip bare naked. 

I fought with my sister. 

I fought with my parents. 

I fought with the ways of the world; with conventions, with responsibilities, with ignorance.

It wasn't until later that I realised how I had no need to do so. I was not called to be a warrior but a princess. I need to be fought for and rescued and God will be my knight. I am still learning to let my weapons down. My reasons, my logics, my analysis. This, I tell you is a hard job. 

As cliche as it sounds, all God wanted me to do was to let go and kneel down and that was all I did not want to do. It's just too scary you know. The more you live and older you grow, you would think that life is complicated and there's philosophies and conceptions to guide you but it goes simplier - trust is the only way and it is the hardest way.

Anyway, on the brighter side, I have gained many things. My Julie Takamine (my guitar) who has given me a lot of joy, my friends, FCA, Black Ink, regular salaries, soy cappucinos, Elizabeth Elliot, Andy Stanley, Charles Stanley, Boundless. Without them, I would not be standing on my two feet. 

Ben's optimism may be rubbing on me. I do sincerely believe that there are better things to come and it excites me. Yeah its not all patched up pretty but somehow I always come through and that is because of you God. 

This year was just like any other year yet it wasn't. I am proud of me. Hey, I have dated 2 guys. for few months, one was Korean! come on. I am so proud of that!!!!

I am paying rent. It still hurts to see my rent debit every months but yeah  thats pretty well done isn't it? 

I am really ready to say goodbye now. 2009. For once and for all. Goodbye. 

I shall remember you. I will carry you with me. 

Thank you for the special time. 

Post christmas 2009

After 3 consecutive christmas parties, gluttonous pattern of eating, hustles and bustles of family and friends simultaneously exchanging at least 3 different conversations over the dinner table and ofcourse the gifts, the glorious gifts - never failing to bring that childhood christmas tingles to my heart,

After all those goodies, the carols, the cards, the santas, which have been creating the hype for a couple of months in advance of Christmas, I must say

I am exhausted....

To top it all off, they kindly put the boxing day sale straight after Christmas that even tempted me to set my alarm early in a hope of finding 60% discounted treasure amongst the piles of well,,,I guess stocks as well as people. Seeing people lining up at the cashier, strategically training their children to bring the right size to the changing room while the mummy tries on her bra, or letting your husband line up early so you dont have to wait the dredging lines, angry and rude people fighting over the last pair of $15 shoes like pigeons flocking over a piece of chips on the ground, it comes as a no surprise that my dear Lord Jesus is surely well forgotten in this "Christmas Spirit". I must say it was quite gross and I hate the fact that I am part of it all - this sickening consumerism.

Even I felt distracted during the church service tonight as I could barely sing the songs with my sunk voice from too much wine the night before. 

However apart from the physical tireness, I cant help but to be so annoyed by this emotional hollowness. I didnt know why I was feeling this, until I had to sit down and pay attention to my heart for a while. 

"Ok, u whiny heart, what is it this time?" 

"I feel extremely lonely and I hate myself" it replied.

"no, not that drama again, We've been through this already!" I yelled at it.

But, after giving some thoughts, I knew why. 

The last month - how it all wind down my year, it went too fast and I just had to just get on with it, you know.

You don't know? 

Well, to give a little hint, I have been showing zero tolerance to some of the rusty relationship with my family. I have been just pure too busy and it was christmas so I didnt want to ruin it. I just ignored it all.  I ended up yelling at my parents on christmas day-when it was like first time talking in few weeks. I was so unbearably angry at my sister and have blamed her for all the bad things. I victimized myself. It hurt too much so I just had to turn my back on it.

I have been "not-called" by this boy who pretty much ruined my last half year. Ok. fine. He didnt ruin it. There were things I learnt from it but thats if I really try hard to see it from a positive light here. I am so angry and I want to just confront him and point out all the things he did wrong until he acknowledges that he is a jerk and apologizes on his knees!!!!

The most annoying thing is no matter how much I am fully convinced that he is a loser and that he is not the right one for me, it still bloody hurts. I must have got attached to that little shitty tiny miny affection he had showed me. 

Being in the midst of friends and their lovy-duvys, catching up with old friends who I havent met for years and seeing them with a fleshingly stunning and normal looking partner and being asked the question "so I remember when you were at uni, you werent in a relationship, are you still single?" and somehow finding myself panicking answering, coming up with the fine justifiable, good enough reason while delivering that "cool and collected-I so dont care" aura, I mean you wonder why I am exhausted? hello? 

I mean its all good. These things dont usually get to me..

.

.

.

...

until sitting alone in a back row of an empty church service feeling mountainous guilt from tiredness and hangover, you look around the room, you look back to your year and ask yourself 

"Who is this that I have become?"

"Am I that unlovable?"

"Am I that intolerant to love anyone?" 

Tomorrow, when I wake up I know I going to put on my painfully strong headed logical hat and tell myself, "get yourself together" and I know I will listen to the almighty voice of logic.

I guess Im just feeling a bit rushed to face the new year. I wanted to be in a place of complacency, of vision, of clarity, of faith. You know the deal. I wanted to have directions and start writing my resolutions on my new diary like I always do every year. But I am just not ready to do that yet and I only got 5 days left of 2009.

Damn it.

However, for now, at least for tonight, heres to you.

I will mourn. Yes, that's right. I have been celebrating and now I will mourn also. 

To my fabulously failing relationships, my little broken heart, with my loneliness friend on my right and self pitty friend on my left - heres is your melo emo party.

Heres is to my baggages. I wish to leave you guys right here once and for all.

Sorry but you aint ganna travel with me to the next years.

Heres to my heroic will-power

Heres to my disgusting self-centeredness,

I salute you.

U shall rest in peace.

 

Lois,

How are you my little girl?
Are you feeling emotional and nostalgic again now that its that time of the year?
You fought hard, havent you? You think I dont know dont you? but darl I do.
Are you still mad at me? Do you doubt that I have forgotten about you? that you get the residual treatment and it give the best to others?
I know you didnt mean all that. I know you were venting on me because it was hard for you.

Hon. I know it might seem that way, like Im delaying my answers to your prayers.
But everyday Im counting my love. For you to come closer to me, for me to shape you - to the perfect fit to the answers to your prayers. Come on Trust your old man.
I know you try to tame your reasons and wild passions. I know your desire to tame your qualities and gifts to your understanding of 'Godleness". I appreciate your effort. I appreciate your heart. But dont forget this, I gave you that. That analyitical thinking, hippie spirit, adventurous free thinking soul. You took after me. You see.
All I see is me in you and darl, I am listening to your desires. I will make you to be a wise beautiful woman that I promised you before. I will use what you have. Dont you worry.
Your will may be weak and you get frustrated.
But I always see to the heart darling.

It has never changed since the day you were born 1984 October 31, just how beautiful you are. How much joy you give me.
For sure, there were rainy days this year huh,, lonely ones too.
I know sweetheart. I was there with you and in you. We will work on it and you will learn to deal with pain more and more.
But it is when you are weak that I am strong.
Keep a quite heart my love. My promises for you and Holy Spirit are your guarantee.
I will guide you, I want to do that.

Lastly, dont carry the guilt baggage. Lose it hon.
Dont feel sorry for your sins that you cant come to me.
I know your sins. I knew them well before you were born. but I justified you.
If you need to go back to that place of redemption again, if you still forget, if you stil cant believe. Always go back to the foot of the cross, Im there always.
I will renew mercy, forgiveness and grace. No matter how repetitive you may think it is.
I love meeting you there honey. No way will I get impatient.

Dont fight.
I didnt call you to be a warrior, I called you to be royal priest, a princess.
I will fight for you. I will be your knight.
I will come to save you.
Trust me. I do not fail.
It is for you. this christmas. It is for you.
You are my reason I came here in baby's body.
To reach you. To find you and reconcile you to me.
You are the my reason I died. I fought. I conquored.
It is for you and its already been done.
You dont have to fight. get your armour off and put on royal dress. Adorn youself with tiara.
It belongs to you.

Fear not, for I have redeemed you.
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters I will be with you and when you pass through the rivers they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire you will not be burned. The flames will not set you ablazed.

Since you are precious and honoured in my sight and because I love you,
I will give men in exchange for you and people in exchange for your life.
Nothing can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus.
Not even your weaknesses.
Your shortcomings. Your pride or wasted heart.
You will walk through the flames and you will not be burned.
You will go to the sun-scortch land and you will not go thirsty.
In fact you will be a fountain of living water.
I will do this, and
I will not delay.

I love you my child.

"Look at the birds of the air. Consider the lilies of the field. They neither toil or spin".

They SIMPLY ARE.

Yet what a ministry and service they render on our behalf.

So often we impair God's design and influence because of our own conscious effort to be consistent and useful. There is only one way to develop and grow spiritually and that is to;

FOCUS ON THE SOURCE.

God himself, not common sense or reasoning. People who affect us the most are not hose who detain us with their continual talk but thsoe who live lives lke the stars in the sky and lilies of the field - simply and unaffectedly. Just remain focused on him and you will be used while you are unaware you are being used by him.