Pressing Forward

From michaels fb, spoken for the hearts of many...

"I was crushed...so much so that I despaired even of life, but that was to make me rely not on myself, but on the God who raises the dead" (2 Cor. 1:8, 9).

"Pressed out of measure and pressed to all length;

Pressed so intensely it seems, beyond strength;

Pressed in the body and pressed in the soul,

Pressed in the mind till the dark surges roll.

Pressure by foes, and a pressure from friends.

Pressure on pressure, till life nearly ends.

"Pressed into knowing no helper but God;

Pressed into loving the staff and the rod.

Pressed into liberty where nothing clings;

Pressed into faith for impossible things.

Pressed into living a life in the Lord,

Pressed into living a Christ-life outpoured."

-A. B. Simpson-

"Out of the pressures of pain,

Cometh the soul's best wine;

And the eyes that have shed no rain,

Can shed but little shine."

The Thorn Tree

Within me, there’s too much of myself
It leaves no place for you to find rest

Within me, there are futile wishes

It leaves no place for you to find comfort

Within me, helpless darkness lies

It snatches away your resting seat

Within me, insurmountable sadness

Is poised like a dense forest of thorn trees

Whenever  the wind blows

The dry branchlets chafing against one another, weep

To seek out a resting place, the exhausted little birds

  Hurt by the thorns they fly away.

Within me, there’s too much of myself

It leaves no place for you to find rest.

- 시인과 촌장-

Avoiding U

I simply cant write.
I haven't been in the space where I wanted to write.
Writing makes me think and I don't want to think.
I really desire simplicity.
Wish I could scoop my brain out for a minute and take a break from myself.

So I have been painting, drawing, taking pictures.
Watching comedy shows on youtube while eating on bed.
Doing yoga.
And sleep
Lots and lots of sleep.

And simply just being...
alive,
being my role.
being myself.


A picture paints a thousand words.

Today I've discovered Henri Cartier-Bresson's great photography...
Simply breathtaking.

I dont know if you have the minute to listen to my thousand words.
Lots to share but little the words.
Instead I'll let these speak for me.
To me, they are somewhat comforting.






“Inspiration is for amateurs. The rest of us just show up and get to work and the belief that things will grow out of the activity itself and that you will, through work, bump into other possibilities and kick open other doors that you would never dream up if you were just sitting around looking for a great art idea. And that a belief in that the process, in a sense, is liberating and that you don’t have to reinvent the wheel everyday. Today you know what you will do, you could be doing what you were doing yesterday and tomorrow you are going to do what you did today and at least for a certain period of time if you can just work to hang in there, you will get somewhere.” – Chuck Close 

Boasting in weakness

The real training for service asks for a hard and often painful process of self-emptying. Training for service is not a training to become rich but to become voluntarily poor, not to fulfill ourselves but to empty ourselves, not to conquer God but to surrender to his saving power. If there is anything to boast about in this world, we should boast of our weakness. Our fulfilment is in offering emptiness, our usefulness in becoming useless, our power in becoming powerless. The movement of the Spirit that Christ has shown us is the movement in which we become less and less fearful and defensive and more and more open to the other and his world, even when it leads to suffering and death. This show that spirituality of the Christian is not only rooted in the reality of everyday life, but also transcends it by relying on the gift of God. We perceive life as a gift not to possess but to share. 

- Henry Nouwen - 

Running away from loneliness

Instead of running away from our loneliness and trying to forget or deny it, we have to protect it and turn it into a fruitful solitude. We must have persistent effort to enter into desert of our loneliness. It is possible to move from restless senses to the restful spirit, from the outward-reaching cravings to the inward-reaching search, from the fearful clinging to the fearless play. We may start to sense that in midst of our sadness there is joy, that in the midst of our fears there is peace, that in the midst of our greediness there is possibility of compassion and that indeed in the midst of our irking loneliness we can find the beginnings of a quiet solitude. 

Reactionary approach to life to the external stimuli of the world makes us very busy and usually very tired as a result. The loneliness of solitude leads to quick, often spastic, reactions which make us prisoners of our constantly changing world. But in solitude of heart we can listen to the events of the hour, the day and the year and slowly “formulate”, give form to, a response that is really our own. 

The solitude of the heart is no longer pulled apart by the most divergent stimuli of the surrounding world but is able to perceive and understand this world from a quiet inner center. Thus it is not dependent on physical isolation.

-Henry Nouwen-

Facing the empty space

Occupation and not empty space is what most of us are looking for. When we are not occupied we become restless. The preoccupation is in fact a greater stumbling block than occupation. We are so afraid of open spaces and empty places that we occupy them with our minds even before we are there. 

Our worries and concerns are expressions of our inability to leave unresolved questions unresolved and open-ended situations open-ended. They make us grab any possible solution and answer that seems to fit the occasion. Our preoccupation prevent our having new experiences and keep us hanging on to the familiar ways, It often seems that we prefer a bad certainty to a good uncertainty. If we would stop telling ourselves that the world is such and so, it would cease to be so! 

We cannot change the world by a new plan, project or idea. We cannot even change other people by our convictions, stories, advice and proposals, but we can offer a space where people are encouraged to disarm themselves, to lay aside their occupations and preoccupations and to listen with attention and care to the voices speaking in their own centre. 

We cannot be filled unless we become first an empty cup. 

- Henry Nouwen-

Letters to a young poet

“be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves,,,Do not now seeks answers which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer... take whatever comes with great trust, and if only it comes out of your own will, out of some need of your innermost being, take it upon youself and hate nothing”.  


“What is going on in your innermost being is worthy of your whole love”

-Rilke-

Reluctance

Out through the fields and the woods

And over the walls I have wended;

I have climbed the hills of view

And looked at the world, and descended;

I have come by the highway home,

And lo, it is ended.

The leaves are all dead on the ground,

Save those that the oak is keeping

To ravel them one by one

And let them go scraping and creeping

Out over the crusted snow,

When others are sleeping.

And the dead leaves lie huddled and still,

No longer blown hither and thither;

The last lone aster is gone;

The flowers of the witch hazel wither;

The heart is still aching to seek,

But the feet question "Whither?"

Ah, when to the heart of man

Was it ever less than a treason

To go with the drift of things,

To yield with a grace to reason,

And bow and accept the end

Of a love or a season?

Robert Frost

=================

"Ah, when to the heart of man was it ever less than a treason

to bow and accept the end, of a love a season?"

Goodbye again... Goodbye

It seems as though there's more to be emptied

So this too,we let go 

with much reluctance 

This is what he said:

You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. 

With less of you there is more of God and his rule. 

You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. 

Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

You're blessed when you're content with just who you are - no more, no less. 

That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.

You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. 

He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat.

You're blessed when you care. 

At the moment of being 'carefull', you find yourselves cared for.

You're blessed when you get your inside world - your mind and heart- put right. 

Then you can see God in the outside world.

You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete and fight. 

That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family. 

You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. 

The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom. 

- Beatitude -

i've been walking with my head down

Ironic

조급한 마음으로 퇴근을 했다.
샤워로 좀 마음을 가라 앉치자 해서 긴 샤워를 했다.

그리고 방바닥에서 전화기를 만지작거리다,
그래 엄마 한테 전화를걸자 하고
저녁준비를 하던 엄마는
쭈빗대고 그냥 별애기 않하다
톡치면 팍 터져버리는 나를 당연히
알아채셨다.

"지효야, 하나님은 바보를 사랑하신다.
바보가 되"

"엄마 나는 정말 환자야 환자."

"정말 살면서 몇안되지만 긴 여운을 남기는 사람들이 있어.
그런사람들은 꼭 화려하거나 훌륭하거나 성공한 사람들이 일수도 있고 아닐수도 있는데
꼭 하나같이 단순하더라
그 단순함을 쓰시더라."

"기둥을 세우려 하지말고 좋은 밭을 만드는데 신경써.
니 마음과 인생이 좋은 밭이 되야되. 나쁜씨나 뿌리는 빼야하는것도
지금해야하되"

"보이는게 다가 아니다.
좀 천천히 가면 어떠니."

그래. 맞어.
엄마의 위로에 좀 정신을 차리고 내려가서 밥을먹고
다시 컴퓨터앞에 앉았다.

바보를 사랑하시는 하나님.
바보가 될께요. 늦쳐지고 돌아가고 실수하고
그래도 씨익 웃을수있었으면 좋겠어요.
단순해지게
내 마음을 정리해주세요.

나의 이 모든 준비와 노력이
아무것도 되지 않는다하더라도
그것보다 더 뚜렷한 희망과 정체성과 기쁨과 동기가 있기를
바랍니다.

just quietly saying..

Im at work.
I shouldnt be blogging.
But just quickly Im just going to say this one thing.

'I Hate...Hate..Hate so passionately,
the anxiety and ambitious drive that are thrown upon us.
They are exhausting, overwhelming, tiring and worst of all,
give me a headache.

and I hate that my inner self is not strong enough
to take the hit'

thats all.
back to work.

On the way home

I really like this photo.

Its one of my favourite of the ones I took.

Yes. Alas, my camera arrived. 

And I had my first designated photographer experience at Sins birthday. 

This is on the way home. 

It is insanely pouring here in Sydney.

Don't get too wet.

"Love does not keep locked inside.

So please come out.

Even if its hard, 

even if it hurts,

even if its not perfect.

Love is not proud.

It does not boast.

Love does not run.

Love does not hide

Love does not keep locked inside. 

Love will sustain

Love will protect.

Love always hopes

Love still believes when you dont. 

Love is the arms that are holding you. 

Love never fails you."

성공과 꿈

a thought...


어렸을적엔 성공과 꿈은 같이 오는 것인줄 알았다. 
근데 그게 아니더라
성공과 꿈은 매우 다른 모습으로 
다른 성격으로 나타나더라


무엇이되야지, 그분야에서 최고가 되야지 
하고 생각했었는데
무엇이 되는것이 결코 내가 원하는게
또한 나에게 유익한것 또한 아니더라


지금의 내꿈이 뭐냐 묻는다면
내 마음이 현실을 다스리는것
그곳에서 행복과 감사를 찾는것
내가 지킨 믿음과 소망과 결정에
또 그 결과에


누군가 그것으로 인하여
먼날 용기를 품을수 있다면
그의 마음에 희망의 디딤이 된다면
그것이 나의 성공이다.


나의 못남과 잘남과 모자람을
품어주고 같이 웃어주고 
울어주고
지켜주는 이가 있다면
그것이 나의 은혜이다.


이세상엔 당연하건 없더라

My sweet orange tree

My sweet orange tree

V1

It takes about three seconds for your patience to knock on my door.

The choices of life I can deal with no more

Careless hair

Oblivious stare

you come here to complain

oh just how Im so glad to see you

V2

You say i hate this capitalism, consumerism and just about

every other ‘cisms’.

why does the world make me compare

Im done with these cheap thrills, another bill

you raise your voice like that

but just how Im so glad to see you

You live in both worlds

its ok to be scared

Time travels fast

Decisions further us apart

but I want you to know

Chorus

You are so beautiful to me

You are so possible you see

Your so unique, even to your insecurity

you will make it there my love

and there you’ll give me that nod

and I’ll give you that smile

and any way I’ll be there

I want you to know

I want you to know

V3 

My granny says faith is all about pure waiting

Both you and I struggle with that

but hey we're not gonna give up will we

holding on to that childish dream is not as foolish as you think

I for one, will applaud you, trust me

27/09/2009

Just keep swimming

MARLIN
You dropped it! That was
my only chance of finding my son,
now it's gone.



DORY
Hey, Mr. Grumpy Gills.
When life gets you down, you know what you gotta do?



MARLIN
I don't wanna know what
you gotta do when life gets you down.



DORY
[singing] Just keep swimming. 
Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. 
What do we do?
We swim, swim.

======================
 
MARLIN
No! No more whale! 
You can't speak whale!


DORY
Yes, I can!


MARLIN
No, you can't! 
You think you could do these things but you can't, Nemo!

 
DORY
Okay.


MARLIN
Dory!


DORY
He says it's time to let go! 
Everything's gonna be all right!


MARLIN
How do you know!?
 How do you know something bad isn't gonna happen!?
 

DORY
I don't!

***

you who seek God. Live a Happy Life!

Im sick again. boohoo.
Currently my church is doing a series on Hope. And last week, our cell group, (where some of us have gone through some rough patches last few months) was honestly sharing some struggles of coming to the grips of "joy that spurs through tribulation."-whatever that means. The series on Hope was tougher than I thought. and it was tough for many people. Because while at the same tolken we were learning about Hope, it has also made us come to terms with Hopelessness, things we dont, or can no longer have hopes in. 


hopelessness in pregnancy,
hopelessness in marriage,
hopelessness of death and loss 
hopelessness of loneliness.


I cannot sugarcoat it. Theres a lot of pain to that, a lot of tears, a lot of anguish that you would trade it without a doubt, in a heartbeat. I have to admit that I walked out of that meeting scratching my head. what does it look like exactly? 

Last few weeks, ever since my move, I'v been in a numb state where I couldnt write, couln't think, couldn't even worry or plan as I normally do. I was just N.U.M.B. I couldnt feel anything.

Coupled with that, I lost my journal for 2011. Could the reason be that I couldnt journal?.. 

probably not. im just scraping the barrel for some excuses. Nonetheless, it had all the verses for the year on that notebook. Please come back to me!!!! 

Anyway, today Michael made me cry. 
I didnt expect him to be back so early but there he was. After the surgery, he had lost even more weight. He had been under rigorous pain management. He had to have patches of morphine on his body everyday, and all sorts of acute painkillers that were making him vomit continuously. He was vomitting even to the last minute before his anesthetic. His dad, who'se just been diagnosed terminal cancer had only paid a surprised visit to his son a few weeks ago just before surgery. But, oh, his eyes were even more sharper, his smile even more brighter. 


"Lois, God is good. God is so good. And that is not a feeling or an experience. It's a fact. It doesn't change whether you acknowledge it or not. God is good to you" He said.


I dont know why. I started to well up.
was I embarrassed? ashamed? envious? sorry?..


"What I have in God, What he has given me is so much. When I remember the days when I was without God in darkness, and now, when I remember what I have been given in my life and beyond, in eternity; A few setbacks here and there, a few bumps on the road,,,, the loss I have in my life, this is nothing" 


"I envy you" 
" I wish I could be like you" I said.


"It's really easy. It's not a difficult choice for me. God is already a victor, so I just share in his victory. I make a choice Lois. I get up in the morning and there, I feel pain. I know today is going to be a tough one. But I make a choice. When I open the bible and see his words and I come here and I look at people like yourself, I remember. The challenge is remembering. Remembering God's goodness."


Says a guy who's been sick for a decade. 
who couldnt walk for few weeks, 
who was lying bleeding and throwing up in pain. 
who is losing his father.
who couldnt take his wife on a honeymoon because of his sickness.
who is incredibly talented, who could a shining star in his industry.
Well that one, I guess he already is. 
He was a man who's got the mystery of joy; true, beaming, quiet, undying joy in times of loss, in times of pain and in times of setbacks. 
I was wowed. It was incredible, it was beautiful and it was possible.


"God loves you Lois. Your an apple of his eyes, his precious daughter. A new and better season is to follow in your life and I really pray to that. But hang in there. God is good to you, he really is".


tears rolling. 
I nodded.


To that I had to surrender. I couldnt keep holding up any justification for my numb heart; someone's progress, their achievements, others' gifts, my failing health, unanswered prayers, my loss, my crushed hopes, nothing was good enough. 

"When hope is crushed, the heart is crushed but a wish come true fills you with joy". 

prov 13:12

Stop twiddling your thoughts in crushed hopes. It makes your heart sick, please!
Think about the prize ahead. God is God of hope, God of peace, God of love. You need to know who he is. I want to be a child who is happy while she waits even before his promises eventuate, so that God will be honored and pleased. Because without faith, it is impossible to please God. And its ok to come to God with the expectations of reward as God is a rewarder. 

"Honor his holy name with Hallelujahs (I praise you). You who seek God, Live a happy life!

Look to the Lord and his strength. Seek his face always.

 Remember the world of wonders he has made. 

He's God, our God, in charge of the whole earth. And he remembers, remembers his covenant - for a thoushand generations he's been as good as his word".

psalm 105

So I praised God. I blessed him. For who he is. For what he has given to me. In this life and beyond. I blessed him for renewing my hope. I blessed him for being my hope. I blessed him in the land of abundance. I blessed him for the world is all that it should be. I blessed him on the road marked with suffering. I blessed him for the seasons of life. I blessed him for softening my heart. I blessed him for my tough times and heartaches. I blessed him for my breakup. I blessed him in my loneliness. I blessed him in my weak body. I blessed him for helping me to open myself up to whatever he is making me to be. I blessed him for making me yearn for joy. I blessed him for kneeling me through all that has happened. 


And there, there were more than enough grounds for joy.
You who seek God, live a happy life! 
  

Easter

Easter.

Beautiful Easter.

coupled with 5 day weekend.

I cannnot be more happier. Thank the Lord!

This Easter was the best Easter ever.

Not to mentioned the services, the teachings, productions, dances which were remarkable, but as I was really pushing myself over the finishing line on thursday, I really saw Jesus in the Gethsemane moment.

"Then all the disciples left him and ran away..."

So he would know what it feels like to be left behind, abandoned and betrayed. His pain brought me a lot of comfort for some reason and I tried to hide behind his sufferings and identify with him for a while. However, the more I imagined his pain, the more worth I had to credit myself, whether I felt it or not. And the more personal and proportional was the hope.

Hope.

was what he spoke of this Easter.

"Woman, why are you crying?"

I dont know whether its being away from work, or turning off from the whole job search ordeal, or catching up with GA, but this weekend, I just had this clear head space, unstoppable appetite, and hope.... my whole body and soul craved for hope.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.."

So I dont want his death to goto waste. It was for my freedom. So I want to be free, free from hopelessness. free from bitterness, free from condemnation, free from confusion and self righteousness.

So I packed, I pondered, I rested.

I packed, I prayed, I rested.

The circumstances had not changed one bit.. not yet.

And when I saw H and F have become chummy friends, out having breakfast, and when I saw how good he looked, yep the pang of sharp pain, and anger still swirls, even as i write.

And when I resume life on Wednesday, when I have to chase up those rejection letters, it probably will put me back to square 1 and there really isnt nothingelse on sight. Not yet.

But so what!!

I continued to pack, I prayed, I rested....

GA said if you can muster even just a little bit of faith, God promises that my whole being, my future and identity will not be crushed. God, my personal God, who calls me by name...

"Mary.."

"Lois.."

"Why are you crying?"

He will not let me be lost in the graveyard.

He will not let it. Amen. Amen..

Lord. I hope.

I do love you. You know that...

Help me to hope.

Help me to be happy.

Help me to forgive.

Help me to let go.

Help me for your strength and promises to become my reality.

...

Lord.

Remember this?

I was reminded of this the other day.

Remember how at the end of the year, I sat down with the guys at coffee culture,

we were sharing about the year and what we hope for in 2011.

I said I wanted to be a kite instead of an eagle.

For so long I thought being an eagle was so cool and free, soaring the sky in victory

But when I realised that my wings were broken, sight blinded,

I offered to be a kite.

No plans,

No steering,

No resolutions.

Just flow as you take me.

Open to all things.

Gracefully embracing.

Only moved by the invisible wind that carries it to wherever it goes.

tied to the string of firm foundation...

I thought it sounded so cool,, and you know me I like being poetic and all...

And when a few weeks back, when I was waiting for J at a cafe, I found these photos on a megazine remember?

And how I said I will offer that to you this year.

well..

I totally forgot about it, until the other day.

And I actually laughed out loud..LoL u know?

dang! why did I pray that? I didnt know what I was getting myself into...

Of course, thats what you are doing right now..

its so unknown, its so many changes, its so much friction against the wind, against the anchor of rope.

I got knocked back...

So God, you carry me. I mean you should. I got nothing else...

God take away these fears, help me to trust you.

And although no one else might see me flying flapping my wings,

May they see that Im flown by the invisible God, the Holy Spirit, whose only seen and felt by those who believe.
God. Gently crush my pride.

So that i'll be ok just as a kite.

And in my humility moment, give me clarity to not give up hope, my dreams and my desires.

And may they be ONE with you as I mature.

Man,, this is such a scary prayer. I'm tempted to delete it..

but im going to offer it to you, as my response.

Bc you are so so so worth it God.

You love me to die for me, then find me again to give me hope.

I love you.

I really do...

Amen.